Santa Claus takes time out before Christmas to talk about self

Even though it’s crunch time, Santa Claus consented to an interview with earlier this week.

Here’s what the jolly old man had to say.

  • Q: Do you wear your hat year-round?
    A: “I take it off when I’m thinking. Sometimes. Most of the time. When in deep thought. But I always wear it when I go outside.

  • Q: Even in summer?
    A: “It’s never summer at the North Pole.”

  • Q: What kind of deep thoughts does Santa have?
    A: “You always have to weigh whether the boys and girls all over the world have been good or bad, because sometimes they’re not good when they’re tired or hungry. But that doesn’t mean they’re bad.”

  • Q: Why are your headquarters in the North Pole?
    A: “There’s a whole lot fewer people in the North Pole. It’s just too cold. It’s normal for us, who stay up here making toys year-round. It’s warm for us, because we stay working hard.”

  • Q: How do you get a decent workforce in a desolate place like that?
    A: “Elves. I have, gosh, hundreds, thousands probably. As the population grows, so does the need for the elves. … I have an assistant, and they keep up with all that. It’s as if you’re operating a military shift, three times a day. They feed, they eat, they sleep. And they work. … We have a perpetual work force, we don’t hardly ever have anyone sick.”

  • Q: Santa Claus needs an assistant?
    A: “I have several assistants. I have a head of catering, food prep. We have a whole system.”

  • Q: Do the elves get to play with the toys?
    A: “They test them, they don’t play with them. Kids play, elves test. We don’t have time for playing.”

  • Q: Do they test every toy?
    A: “Every toy, every thing. As far as we know, when it leaves, it’s working. Somtimes, in shipping, in delivery, they break. I stock replacement items in toy stores, because I only have this one night out. We also stock them so kids can see what is available. We call them toy stores, but that’s a facade. They are decision modules known commonly around the world because toys are stored there. It’s where children around the world are taken so they can decide what they want, and parents have to be involved, of course.”

  • Q: But if things break in the delivery process, and you’re the delivery guy, ultimately you’re responsible for any broken toys, right?
    A: “Sometimes we land hard on a roof, every once in a while. And sometimes you hit a pocket of air. Things shift. And most of this stuff is made out of plastic. Years ago, it was made of wood or metal. And then you get into electronics. You drop it once and it breaks… But we don’t knowingly deliver broken toys to any child.
    “And by the way, sometimes, let me explain to you. Sometimes there are stickers, ‘Made in Indonesia,’ ‘Made in China.’ It’s just something we do to have fun. They’re all made in the North Pole, but we just put that on there to keep them guessing, to keep the mystique growing.”

  • Q: And it’s also sort of a security mechanism?
    A: “It’s a security manipulation. It’s innocent looking. It keeps people from flying to the North Pole.”

  • Q: Why do you wear red?
    A: “If I get lost going for a walk, they can find me in the snow.”

  • Q: What are your favorite foods?
    A: “Anything frozen. Frozen pizza, frozen Snickers. Everything’s great frozen. We don’t have a deep-freezer at the North Pole. We eat everything frozen at the North Pole, except the cookies.”

  • Q: What’s the deal with the cookies?
    A: “I only get to eat those when I’m doing my deliveries. Now Mrs. Claus makes cookies every day of the year, but they’re for the elves, to keep their energy high. I can’t eat them. That’s one reason I love flying on Christmas, because I get to have them.”

  • Q: Do you use GPS nowadays to find your way to houses?
    A: “I’ve been using it for years, but in my case, it’s mental. I mean, GPS comes from the satellites. Knowing where the kids are is a mental thing. When a kid is at Grandma’s house and is worried about it, it sends a powerful mental message. Them thinking that communicates where to find them. We always go where the kids are having Christmas.”

  • Q: Isn’t it cruel to have the reindeer pulling a sleigh with toys for every kid in the world?
    A: “The reindeer are regular reindeer until Christmas Eve. And there is a very strange phenomenon that happens. Rudolph’s nose gets more bright. And they have a renewed energy. It’s like they’re running in space. There’s no resistance. And they can travel effortlessly. We know you guys can pick us up on radar, and that amazes us. The reindeer, it’s not animal power. We let them be animals. But they just turn into this magical transportation system. We load the sleigh up, and BOOM! It just happens. We’re not being cruel, they love it. They volunteer. They hold their little paws up.”

  • Q: How do you hold up through the night on Christmas Eve?
    A: “It’s just nonstop, to go to every kid that believes in Santa Claus. Unfortunately, some kids stop believing, and my work stops. But sometimes it starts up again, because they begin to believe again. Everyone needs soemthing to believe in. They come back around. Santa is real.”

  • Q: Why do you wear your hair and beard so long?
    A: “On Christmas Day, when I’m through, i get a nice, close shave and a haircut, and I immediately start working. And I don’t have it cut again for the year, I just don’t have time. Mrs. Claus cuts my hair.”

  • Q: Do you have helpers?
    A: I’m the real Santa. I’ve got other guys that would like to be Santa, and they’re my helpers. They just can’t, because there’s only one. I pick and choose special places to go and interact with the kids on a one-on-one basis. I want to know if they’ve been good, if they’ve been honest. So you never know if you’re talking to the real Santa or one of the helpers.”

  • Q: Are you for real?
    A: “The spirit of Santa Claus is as real as us talking on the phone. It does want to give kids things. It lives in the hearts and minds of adults, and in little kids.
    “I love being Santa, and I love what we do.”

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